I WANNA SET YOU UP

By Irene

~~~I WANNA SET YOU UP~~~

It was like any other morning at the ***STARBUTTS*** ladies club. Turned over chairs, floating brassieres and the obligatory drunken woman as floor rug with goofy smile on face, stinking up the already grimey, lipstick and sweat encrusted floor. The auditions for the 1998 'Manmeat of the Year' Strip and Dip Contest (sponsored by BEEF JERKY"Eat Me!"@TM.)were to be held any minute as homeboys and YuppieScum alike poured into the place hoping for their chance to be publicly paraded around half naked and then cruely cut down to size by bitter aging gay men, a local senator, and the clubowners' many ex-wives, acting as jurors. The smell of testosterone was in the air as contestant #'s were heartily slapped onto the backs of each poor bastard awating in line for battle.

The time was going slow despite 1/4 of the contestants already having finished their song and dance and now resting on velour couches and the occasional hammock. There were 5 contestants left. A fullsized mirror on the adjacent wall was occupying the attention of one especially vain contestgoer as he stared at himself posturing and gesturing, awaiting what he so arrogantly knew was his deserved title. He even had it stitched into his underwear-MANMEAK OF THE YEAR, the misspelling the fault of his drycleaner, but he would get her for that! Oh well, once he'd won he'd have it stiched in gold, Ichael-May thought to himself. His practice dancing got so extreme he rudely bumped into another much sexier, much more handsome contestant.

Ichael-May's eyes bulged outwards as said contestant turned around and faced him. "JURGEN!!" he shrieked out in a high pitched voice "HOW, WHA...WHE..WHY?" Jurgen smirked as Ichael-May's confidence deflated like a week old helium balloon. Suddenly Ichael-May felt his hair beginning to lose its fullness so he ran around looking for the "MenStyle" section of the DailyNewspaper he brought with him. "WHERE IS THE MENSTYLE SECTION?!! I NEED IT NOW. JOSE EBER'S 8 QUICK AND EASY TIPS FOR A LUSTROUS MANE!!! WHERE IS THE (BLEEP)ING SECTION??? NOW NOW NOW!!! PLEEEAASE!! MENSTYLE SECTION!!!" Jurgen, amused as hell over this woosery said to him in mock threat "http://geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/2055/phrase2/jurgen.wav" After hearing that Ichael-May burst into phony tears and stormed off into the powder room.

While awaiting their turn, Jurgen and a fellow contestant dicussed among other things the theory of evolution, bakers chocolate, the state of alternative rock, needlepoint and flyfishing. The topic turned to sexuality as they told of their experiences in love. Jurgen recalled a story of a party he was invited to that an annoying little asexual pantomime crashed. And how the entire night it was following Jurgen around pretending to be stuck in a box and pointing to Jurgen's crotch. This episode disturbed Jurgen so much that he couldn't date for weeks. The other contestant, who was more kinky sexually, asked Jurgen why he didn't go for it? Jurgen replied "http://geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/2055/phrase2/cantlive.wav" The conversation was cut short for it was the other contestants turn to perform. Jurgen wished him luck as he stated a favorite PPA(pantomime phobics anonymous) motto

"http://geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/2055/phrase2/outside.wav" with a smile and a wink of encouragement.

Inside the powder room Ichael-May strained to regain his perfectly coiffed mane, it was no use, what a shame. That Jurgen had burned him one too many times. Driving fast cars, wearing cooler clothes, stealing the girls...he couldn't let him win again!! But there was no way he could get undressed in front of those judges with the state his hair was in. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a plain looking underage girl sipping a martini. His gag reflex was working overtime as he approached her. He would have to seduce her into doing what had to be done....

"~He GoT RoLLer CoaSTeR...He gOt EaRly WarNIng...He GoT MuDDy WaTer...He OnE MoJO FiLTer~~" The place was going wild! Jurgen took to the stage like baby oil on a ready, willing and able naked body...His gorgeously sculpted thighs flexed as he pumped his hips to the music. His red loincloth bairly covered his handful and a half rock hard ass...His broad shoulders swung seductively this way and that way. The muscular ripples of his stomach had the attention of E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...the heat from the room causing them to devour their drinks and and and......rip off their clothes! ! ! "~~He SaY OnE aNd OnE AnD OnE iS THrEE...GoT To bE GooDLooKinG 'CAuSE He'S So HARD To SeE...~COME TOGETH-----slip BOOM CRASSHHH!!!.................silence..................................................................."Eeeeeeee!!!" A bloodcurdling shriek came from the audience. Women were crying and banging their heads into walls...a crowd formed around the stage. There lay Jurgen unconscious....to the left of his foot........a.......BANANA............ peel! ! !

(Elapsed time 30 mins) Ichael-May lazily lounged in one of the hammocks by the pinball machine, gingerly filing his nails. He began whistling a Right Said Fred tune when suddenly he heard a voice

"http://geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/2055/phrase2/dead.wav"

He whipped his head around but saw noone. Ichael-May shrugged and pretended to act calm. But deep inside he had already soiled his Calvins. He heard a creak, then feet shuffling. A shadow appeared which turned into the homely girl who had helped him bananasabotage Jman. "Oh it's you...yeah what do you want?!?" "Is that any way to talk to the person who did your dirty work? Come now let me thank you for your gratitude..." she moaned seductively as she pulled him on stage. "Not now, I'm tired. Tired of your face!" he laughed. He cracked himself up, he thought to himself. "Oh yes you are sooo funny" she purred "now do a little dance for me"

Ichael-May was about ready to storm off when he suddenly saw his reflection in the mirror...he bagan to sway. Then lunge. Then t*w*i*r*l. "Ooh baby yeah" the girl exclaimed but he paid no attention to her. He was lost in his reflection, in his dancing, in his hair...he loved to be nude...and to dance

"http://geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Set/7456/season2/so-neverloved.wav"

Ichael-May froze in terror. The booming voice belonged to none other than....JURGEN!! The lights suddenly went out and a swish was heard coming from the ceiling. When they abruptly lit again, in the center of the stage stood a PePsi ONE coated Ichael-May. His naked body was drenched in 10 gallons of freezing cold, and I do mean C O L D, chemically altered-alterted soft drink. The crowds surrounded him from nowhere and pissed their pants in laughter. Pointing and taking pictures. Laughing. Pointing and taking pictures.Laughing. Pointing. And. Taking. Pictures. Ichael-May wiped the soda from his face and gazed to the back of the club and let out a yelp. "No! No! Not again!! You set me up!" he whined as he saw two people high-five each other at the bar...the teenage girl, who was happily licking an ice cream cone. And Jurgen with the biggest shit-eating grin known to man.

~FIN~

http://www.cybertap.com/tpike/behave.wav

Thank you Irene!!